The Most Competitive Democraties Ever
Tags: abortion, ACORN, Brian Higgins, Buffalo, Charles Rangel, Charles Schumer, corruption, David Paterson, Democratic, Economy, Eliot Spitzer, Eric Massa, George Pataki, Hillary Clinton, Kirsten Gillibrand, Louise Slaughter, Mario Cuomo, Rochester, scandal, Scott Brown, Skyway, taxes, ways and means committee
Expanding the Best Picture Oscar field to 10 entrants may water down the field. But some competitions feature a plethora of worthwhile candidates. Take trying to pick the Best New York State Democrat. The academy that’s in charge of issuing the Democraties ™ would have to permit a similarly large field, as there are ample candidates from which to choose.
So many of the Empire State’s leaders show up in stories on ethical violations that the articles double as a prize selection guide. But there are other worthy entrants for varying reasons. Here’s a more comprehensive listing for the most prestigious award I’ve ever invented with each candidate’s attributes:
The Fake-Teeth Recycling Opponent: I’d like to go on record being anti-having-to-wear-your-dead-sister’s-dentures. But I’m still not voting for Louise Slaughter. Using tales of woe as manipulation is a common bleeding-heart tactic, as it’s easier to trot out an alleged victim than lay out a reasonable case. But the Rochester import’s disgraceful attempt to sell Democraticare by exploiting a poor elderly woman at the D.C. Kabuki Theater went beyond parody.
The good news is that such brazenly cloying tactics reek of desperation: when government health proponents realize they can’t win on economic, quality, or liberty-based appeals, they trot out sob stories of vile Republicans forcing victimized citizens to degrade themselves. If Slaughter cares so much about the lady in question that she had to shamelessly use the story in a pathetic attempt to win support, she should dip into her personal fortune, offer an example of private charity, and buy a set of dentures for the lady. Then the congresswoman can go back to being one of the House’s biggest extremists, especially as a proponent of incessant abortions.
King Charles of Upper Manhattan: Rod Blagojevich has nicer hair, barely. But he and Charles Rangel are still mutual corruption role models in style terms. It’s not bad enough that Rangel is a bully who thinks taking care of his district means throwing federal money at it: simply, he also stinks horridly, especially as evidence one-party rule’s byproduct. The only issue with his so-called temporary leave from the Ways and Means Committee is what took so long.
But his career arc could get much more amusing. Thankfully, in Scott Brown’s America and with Rangel’s unbearably scummy behavior in mind, there’s also a possibility he might lose more than his chairmanship and be banished to the private sector. He’d have to learn to act utterly corruptly on a private employer’s time, although he’d presumably continue to cheat on his taxes.
Congressman One-and-Done: Did Eric Massa really do what they say he did? Ew. One-term wonder Massa is the congressional equivalent of Kajagoogoo. At least we didn’t have to cope with him for long.
Chuck Nasty: The only thing worse than Charles Schumer’s policies may be his personality. Whether he’s calling his now-coworker something classy or dismissing a peasant with oh so courteous language, the utterly arrogant senator personally embodies his government-knows-best policies. There’s no better way to punish him than to get him out of the Senate. For notorious attention junkie Schumer, the only thing worse than losing power would be losing appearances in front of cameras. Please, Larry, please. . .
The gubernatorial incumbent for now: Is he gone? Do a Yahoo! news search for “David Paterson,” and reload every few minutes to see if he remains in charge. The fact he’s a Yankees fan is bad enough for some people, but free tickets for a baseball game are a trifling benefit compared to the governor’s other troubles. For one, maybe he should have spent less time having state workers making ominous phone calls to his aide’s alleged domestic abuse victim and more time running the state.
What’s really sad is that he could have governed in a novel style by resisting fiscal perfidy and/or ruin. Every now and then he has seemingly advocated halting the insane spending levels that plague the state. Of course, he already demonstrated how limp he was as a leader before he started acting shiftily. That’s not to mention his fetish-level desire to tax soda pop. Maybe it was for the best that he got scandalous: it has distracted him from conjuring new, frightening ideas for messing with our lives.
The last governor who resigned: The only thing that makes a sanctimonious lecture worse is when it emanates from a steaming pile of human hypocrisy. Eliot Spitzer is a repulsive troll who coincidentally also wants the government meddling in every aspect of commerce possible. Getting hassled and burdened by officious twerps who think they can run industries and lives efficiently is a tedious folly, especially as the onerous view gets exposed as counterproductive nonsense every day in both this nation and state.
The White House and its congressional allies constantly prove why heavy manners don’t work when it comes to giving the government limitless jurisdiction. Namely, the economy ends up sucking, and every entrepreneur is afraid to start new businesses, hire new people, or earn too much. Spitzer will hopefully be relegated to moaning in theory and never again get to sanctimoniously browbeat free enterprise in actuality. Someone please distract this man with a hooker.
Mario Cuomo’s kid: Set aside the ethical questions of investigating the aforementioned man he’s presumably out to replace. The real trouble is that Andrew will pursue the identical policies as his father. If the present ruinous taxes and regulations aren’t enough, then please vote for the man whose dad’s reign epitomized everything noxious about trying to get by in New York.
Tracy Flick: Almost as equally well-known by her given name, Kirsten Gillibrand has been largely indistinct at job she was handed. That’s true except for her strange willingness to stick with ACORN. That move offered proof that she’s the most obvious redundancy, namely a boringly liberal New York politician. As with Paterson, Gillibrand wasn’t elected to her current seat; based on her similarly unmemorable stint, she hopefully will also never win her current office. Compared to such an utter mediocrity, even the lukewarm George Pataki looks worthwhile to New Yorkers.
What’s-his-name from around South Buffalo: I checked- his name is Brian Higgins, and he in fact holds a federal office. The most generic Democrat possible is notable for nothing notable. Worst, if he’s going to be just another blandly meddling liberal, he could at least figure out how to knock down the damn Skyway. Yes, it would involve federal spending, but only so the government can rectify the headaches caused by their obsolete monstrosity. Higgins can’t even waste money correctly.
It’s considerably tough choosing the lot’s standout. The contest for top New York Democrat is like picking the best beer or Ramones song: every time you think you’ve picked a definitive favorite, another worthy candidate pops into mind. The politicians in question repulse with what they support, how they frame it, and in some cases through the way they act the rest of the time.
It’s up to voters to reduce the field for next year’s Democraties by casting out the leftists, scoundrels, and leftist scoundrels. Meanwhile, I’m going to apply for a government grant to create a trophy. We’ll naturally model the statuette on Hillary Clinton.
Anthony Bialy is a freelance writer and “Red Eye” Conservative in Western New York. He also writes columns for Smart Girl Nation. Follow Anthony on Twitter.
I still can’t get over the dentures story… it was idiotic on multiple levels.
Yeah, the fight is over dental care isn’t it?